February 15, 2004, Seth picked me up for our first date. This Saturday will be 21 years together. Seth asked me out for Valentine’s Day that year, but my friends were in town and I had plans to go out to dinner with them. That led to February 15th being a very special day for us. We almost had our first date on Valentine’s Day!
21 years later, I am sitting here reflecting on my happy marriage. Why are we happy? What does it take to be happy in your marriage? According to John Gottman, who is a psychologist, professor, and marital research expert, there are 7 principles to a happy marriage. Let us see how we would rate ourselves.
Sharing Love Maps – According to Dr. Gottman, we should be making love maps for one another. What makes each other tick? Having a deep understanding of your partner and what makes them happy. I know that Seth is really excited about the marital training we are going to tonight. Do I want to go to Rochester on a school night, leave my kids and get home late – not really. I am investing in Seth and our relationship. I know how much it means to him when I attend his mastermind sessions once a month. I know that it’s good for him to go to his Krav Maga boot camp sessions on Friday night. I know what excites him and brings him joy. I know what lights him up. The wonderful thing is that he cares about this for me too. He knows that when I have a good podcast interview, I am going to want to tell him about it. He knows how much I love that he is reading the Fourth Wings series with me. We genuinely care about each other. I know my Seth road map.
Nurturing Fondness and Admiration – I think one of the key factors to our happy marriage is that I don’t just love Seth – I like him, I admire him, I think that he is great. He doesn’t stop impressing me. He will say something to me like, “I don’t know how you do it.” I feel the exact same way about him. We are in the impressing each other business. We tell each other frequently how much we appreciate each other. I am so thankful that Seth works such long hours and has so many businesses running successfully for our family. I am so thankful that he comes home and helps with the house and the kids. I also tell him and everyone else how awesome he is. We genuinely think each other is wonderful and that is super important.
Turning Towards Each other vs. away from each other – When we sit down and look at each other and have deep conversations it means so much. When we are struggling, and we look at each other it means so much. When we are present and listening, we are building our relationship. Knowing your partner will be there for you consistently is what builds trust and intimacy.
Letting your partner influence you – Wanting to hear what your partner has to say about any topic and caring about their opinion is good for your marriage. Making decisions together and being a team vs. doing whatever you want makes for a happy marriage. Considering how your partner feels makes them feel important. I truly care what Seth thinks, and he cares what I think. We both know that based on what we communicate and based on our actions. I don’t tend to make big decisions without him and vice versa. We both respect what each other has to say. I don’t always agree with Seth, but I care about what he says, and we have learned to compromise with each other. I respect Seth and his thoughts and opinions.
Solving your solvable problems – Learning how to solve problems together is a big part of marriage. The good news is that I find that a lot of the problems are solvable. We can sit down and discuss the issue and what each other’s point of view is. Solving small problems also gives you good practice to then work on the bigger problems. I think one of the biggest things that Seth and I have learned is that we need to do this when we are both feeling calm and resourceful. There is nothing wrong with taking breaks and coming back to it when you are both in a good headspace. Conflicts tend to be a good time for Seth to lighten the mood with one of his jokes. Learning how to talk about conflict and compromise is a huge part of marriage.
Overcoming Gridlock – These are the bigger issues when you can’t come to a resolution on a problem. The key is to have open, honest, calm conversations about the issue at hand. Gottman says it’s not necessarily that you solve it but that you put the effort in and try to cooperate and work on it. Where are you willing to give and not give? What is most important to you? Getting to the underlying issue and trying to work on it together. Seth and I have problems that we haven’t necessarily fixed. I have seen us both work on it and try to solve it. I know that there is both effort and love and that’s important.
Creating Shared Meaning together – Seth and I like to talk about our plans and goals for the future. I love hearing about Seth’s latest venture. Currently Seth is working on getting his third-degree black belt. I may get nervous about the intensity of the drills, but I support and encourage him. I know that this is something that he has been working on for a very long time.
Seth and I were just talking last night about the next few books that I want to write. We love talking to each other about our dreams, visions, goals and supporting each other along the way. It’s even more special when it involves both of us. We both have work ideas to do separately and together, and we both have dreams such as trips we want to take together. We are also working on our daughter’s Bat Mitzvah together. Dreaming, talking, planning, and having goals brings us closer together. Build stuff together.
Seth and I aren’t perfect by any means. We are two imperfect people who love each other and are committed to each other. We not only accept each other’s flaws but we also see each other always working to improve ourselves. When I tell Seth something that he does that bothers me then I see him making an effort to change it and vice versa.
I’m proud of how far we have come together in 21 years. I can only imagine where we will be in twenty more years. I’m looking forward to learning and growing together even more. We are almost at the marital training, and I am excited to learn things to become an even better wife.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
P.S. Are you ready for this? The marital training that we went to tonight was this exact topic. I laughed and sat back and was ready to add to my toolbox. What would I add that I learned tonight?
I learned that our road maps are always changing!
The way we start an argument is that way it tends to end so start soft.
Rewrite the scenario to see the best in your partner.
Respond to bids for attention to connect with your partner. Meaning respond to the things that they say during the day such as, “It look like it is going to rain.” Fill our emotional banks with small things all day.
The 5 – 1 ratio is important. 5 positives to 1 negative.
When you are feeling emotionally flooded take a 20 minute break.
Come back together and find the common goals.
I hope that you can take something away from this to make your marriage even better!
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