When Moms Can’t Do Anything Right

Welcome to the wonderful, challenging world of parenting tweens and teens – a stage where, apparently, moms just can’t seem to do anything right! One moment, we’re the heroes of their lives, and the next, we’re cramping their style, embarrassing them at every turn, and somehow getting everything wrong. It can feel exhausting and sometimes even a little lonely, but trust me, we’re not alone. When I was at a PTSA meeting last night, all the moms were bonding over the fact that we have tween girls who roll their eyes and tell us we do everything wrong!

For those of us navigating this tricky phase, here are a few ways I’m learning to cope, laugh it off, and remember that even when, “I’m doing everything wrong,” I’m still doing a whole lot right.

Dealing with the Eye Rolls

At this age, eye rolls become a language of their own. I used to get frustrated every time my tween gave me that special eye roll that says, “Oh mom, you just don’t get it.” Then I realized something: eye rolls mean they’re paying attention. They’re still hearing me, even if they act like they wish they didn’t. We can let our children know that we don’t appreciate them rolling their eyes at us. I wouldn’t make a huge deal of it as we don’t want to encourage it. We also want to make sure we aren’t modeling eye rolling behavior. Let’s be honest – I did it to my mom too. When you get upset, always remember that you aren’t alone in this and that my three children are all rolling their eyes at me too.

Tip: Instead of taking every eye roll personally, remind yourself that this is part of their development. They’re trying to find themselves, and eye rolls are just one way they’re asserting a bit of independence (even if it drives us nuts).

Remember, It’s Not Really About Us

When my teen tells me that “I don’t understand anything” or insists that, “I always make things worse,” it’s easy to feel hurt. I’ve learned that often, their frustration isn’t about me. It’s about the new pressures, emotions, and changes they’re going through. They’re navigating school, friends, and even hormones, and sometimes, I’m the safe person they can vent to.

Tip: Instead of taking their words to heart, try to listen without reacting. When they realize we’re here to listen, they might open up without the attitude.

Pick Your Battles Wisely

There are days when I feel like everything I say gets met with resistance. It’s so easy to get caught up in correcting them. I’ve learned that choosing my battles saves both my sanity and theirs. If my teen wants to wear mismatched clothes or blast a song I can barely understand, I let it go. It’s a small way for them to express themselves, and in the grand scheme of things, it’s harmless. My husband told me just yesterday not to get upset with everything that my daughter does. He told me to let some things go and he couldn’t be more right in his advice to me. It’s exhausting getting upset multiple times a day. I have to let a lot of it roll right off of me.

Tip: Ask yourself, “Is this really worth the battle?” If it’s not going to matter next week, next month, or next year, it might be worth letting it slide. Reserve your energy for the bigger moments when they really need guidance.

Don’t Take the Embarrassment Personally

Apparently, moms are the most embarrassing creatures on the planet. We breathe wrong, wave wrong, and heaven forbid we dance in the kitchen. What’s funny is that just a few years ago, my kids thought I was hilarious and even cheered on my silly dance moves. Now I get the “Mom, stop it!” look.

I’ve come to realize that their embarrassment doesn’t mean they love me any less and that it’s just part of growing up.

Tip: Don’t let their embarrassment stop you from being yourself. Keep being silly, keep showing affection, and know that deep down, they love it (even if they’d never admit it out loud). Be true to who you are and don’t let your kids stifle you.

Show You’re Listening (Even When They Say You Don’t Get It)

There are times when my teen will say, “Mom, you just don’t understand!” It used to make me feel defeated, but now, I try a different approach. I’ll tell them, “You’re right, I don’t understand everything. I want to understand.” By admitting that I might not know exactly how they feel, I’m giving them space to express themselves without feeling like I’m trying to fix or control their emotions.

My daughter has told me a few times that she just wants me to listen. She is not looking for me to give her advice or fix anything. She just wants to feel heard. I know that she thinks that I don’t understand, and I also know that she sees me listening and trying to understand.

Tip: Validate their feelings by acknowledging that growing up is hard. Even if we do understand what they’re going through, sometimes they just need to know that it’s okay to feel how they feel.

Give Them Space (Be Ready to Step In)

One of the hardest parts of parenting tweens and teens is finding the balance between giving them independence and staying connected. They might act like they don’t need us, but there are moments when they do – even if they’re too proud to ask for it. I’m learning to give them space, but always with the reassurance that I’m here, whenever they need me.

My daughter brushed me off most of yesterday. When I came home from my meeting, she came running up to me wanting to talk to me. I never know what to expect. They keep me on my toes. Happy to give them space and happy to be there for them. Sometimes I feel like my head is spinning. You never know what is coming your way with tweens and teens. Be ready and be flexible with them.

Tip: Respect their privacy and autonomy and make it clear that you’re always available to listen or lend a hand. It might feel like they’re pushing us away, but they need to know we’re nearby.

Hold Onto the Humor

Sometimes, the best way to cope with the tween and teen years is simply to laugh. Between the mood swings, the wardrobe choices, and the, “I know more than you” attitude, there’s a lot of comedy if we choose to see it. I try to remind myself to laugh at the silly stuff because one day, we’ll look back and miss these quirky teenage moments.

We can be in the middle of an argument and my daughter and I will just start to laugh. It is a great way to interrupt the intensity. Or I will start dancing or singing to make my kids laugh.

Tip: Find ways to keep humor alive. Laugh with them, not at them, and find the fun in these crazy years. It’s one of the best ways to keep the connection alive, even when things feel tense.

Stay Consistent and Loving

At the end of the day, I’ve learned that even when I feel like the least favorite person in their world, the best thing I can do is stay steady. Tweens and teens are still kids who need structure, love, and reassurance, even if they pretend they don’t. Being a consistent, reliable presence in their lives – no matter how they’re feeling that day – is one of the most important gifts we can give to them.

Tip: Show love in small, simple ways. Leave a note in their lunch, give them a quick hug when they’re having a rough day, and remind them that no matter what, you’re there for them.

Keep Perspective (This, Too, Shall Pass)

When the days feel long and I feel like I’m “doing everything wrong,” I remind myself that this phase is temporary. They’ll grow out of the eye rolls, the attitude, and the teenage angst, and there will come a time when they’ll look back and thank us for all the ways we were there.

For all my fellow 7^th grade parents – 7^th grade was tough! Holy hormones! Get through this year and I personally saw both of my kids get easier in 8^th grade. I am hoping for this a third time too!

Tip: When things feel overwhelming, remember that every stage of parenting has its challenges. You survived the sleepless nights and the toddler tantrums, and you’ll survive this too.

Cherish the Moments When You Do Get It Right

Every now and then, amidst the sighs and eye rolls, there are glimpses of those moments when you get it right. When they come to you for advice, or even just a little comfort, it’s a reminder that they still need us, even if they’re too cool to say so. I hold onto those moments. I remind myself that even when I feel like I’m doing everything wrong, I’m still doing so much right.

Being a mom of tweens and teens isn’t always easy. In fact, it’s not easy a lot of the time. I remember that they are being developmentally appropriate. This is how tweens and teens are supposed to act and how they begin to learn to have some independence from us.

We may not get everything right, but we’re showing up, loving them fiercely, and guiding them the best we can. In the end, that’s more than enough. Always remember that you aren’t alone in your parenting journey. If you are going through something hard, I can promise that there is another mom struggling with a similar challenge. I know that is comforting to me.

I hope that you can take something away from this to make your parenting journey a little easier.

Laughing, Learning and Loving my tween and teens,