Learning from our Life Themes

Have you noticed that life is constantly asking you to grow as a person? I’ve noticed this. I noticed in the last week that my husband kept mentioning to me that I was too nice. He said it a few times over a week’s time. Then my friend said it to me. I have two responses to them.

My first response:

My first response is being open to the feedback. “I know, you are right, I’ve heard that my whole life,” I tell them. You think that you’ve made progress in an area and then you hear that you are still “too nice.” I realize that doesn’t take away from the fact that I have still made a lot of progress in this area. It just means maybe that I have more work to do to evolve and grow in this area. What can I learn? How can I grow? Do I think that I am too nice?

My second response:

My second response is more of a defensive response. I don’t necessarily think that either response is wrong. Hear me out. Yes, I am a nice person. “Accept me for who I am,” I want to tell everyone. This is authentically who I am. Take me for me. Aren’t I good enough how I am? Why are you criticizing me?

I recently talked to a few of my good friends about my nice behavior. They told me to keep being me. They told me I am an authentically nice person, and I shouldn’t be ashamed of it. Do you ever want people to just accept you as you are? I think we all crave that.

However, if we are going to play with all of us learning to be “less nice.” What does that look like? What have I learned in this area? What can I continue to learn?

Being Assertive

There is a huge difference between being passive, assertive, and aggressive. The goal is to be assertive. You can nicely be assertive. Assertive and nice are not opposites. Google states that, “Being assertive means communicating with others in a direct and honest manner without intentionally hurting anyone’s feelings.” Aggressive is being dominate and not caring about others feelings. Passive is not taking any action and just seeing what happens. The goal is to be direct and honest in our communication. This is not as easy as it sounds. We don’t want to hurt people and we can be direct and honest in a nice way. This is a skill we need to practice, and I see how much progress I have made in this area.

Knowing when to discipline

A recent example of my husband saying that I am too nice is with our daughter Lillie. We took a sleepover away from her because she was being disrespectful to me. She was the one acting disrespectful to me and I was the one who was feeling bad. How did that make any sense? I don’t want her to miss out on things. I want her to have fun. However, she needs to be respectful to me in the process. This is an example of my being too nice getting in the way of effective parenting. We need to be able to discipline our kids and teach them things. Sometimes that will involve a consequence and being too nice can get in the way of this. It’s not in my nature to discipline. This is why my husband and I are a good team and he helps me with this. Seth does not have a problem being too nice! We are a good balance.

Not getting stuck in the middle

In high school I was always the peacemaker. I never wanted my friends to fight. I was always helping them negotiate and problem solve through conflicts. This was one of the things that led to my job as a social worker. However, this can become a problem. I want everyone to get along. I don’t want people to have conflict. I often find myself in the middle of things. I need to remove myself and let people work out their own conflicts. That doesn’t mean I won’t support my friends and give them advice. This does mean that I step aside and let them directly communicate with the person they are upset with.

Saying no when I need to

If most women were asked if they think they say no enough then most women would say, “NO!” As I tell my husband often, I love the word yes. I love when he says yes. I love when I say yes. I love when people say yes to me. However, we have to learn to say no to people when necessary.

“No, I can’t go.”

“No, I appreciate the invite but that isn’t my thing.”

“No, I can’t volunteer I have to work that day.”

“No, I just sat down, and I need to rest.”

Ask yourself if you can say no? Practice! It may be uncomfortable, but it is something that we all need to learn. Pay attention to people who have an easy time saying no. I learn from my assertive friends, my husband and from my mom who has no problem saying no to things.

Drawing boundaries

One of the things that I teach people is that people only treat you how you allow them to treat you. That is I why I will say things to my daughter like, “That is not ok to talk to your mom like that.” If someone is constantly late and it bothers you then I encourage you to say something. Draw boundaries with people. If someone likes to poke at you and say things that upset you – they will continue to do so unless you say something.

Let go of Guilt

It is ok – it is good for your kids, to discipline them. It is ok to say no. It is ok to put yourself first. You are an important person. You deserve to think about yourself too. I think we are raised to think about other people, but we can take that too far.

Model Empowerment for Your Kids

One of the greatest gifts you can give your children is the example of a strong, empowered parent who knows how to take care of themselves. When your kids see you setting boundaries, saying “no” when necessary, and taking time for yourself, they learn that it’s okay for them to do the same. You’re teaching them self-respect and the importance of balance.

Do I like who I am – yes!

Do I like being nice – yes!

Do I think I need to continue to learn and grow as a person – always!

Could I be a little less nice – yes!

So the answer is – yes I think people should accept me for me and yes I think that I can learn from this.

To my husband: I hope that you accept me for who I am – nice and all. Thank you for pointing out examples (nicely) when I am being too nice. Thank you for balancing me out and continuing to teach me how to be assertive and set boundaries. You are the key to a lot of my growth.

What is a theme that you can learn from in your own life? I would love to hear from you!

I’m looking forward to continuing to grow and also continuing to love and accept myself for who I authentically am.