Things Left Unsaid

This blog was inspired by so many things. I am listening to the book After I Do by Taylor Jenkins Read. I wish that I could finish this book before this blog is due so I may need to go do that! First, I want to tell you that my neighbor is right. This is totally off topic but if you want to exercise more, get a good audio book. I see her walk and walk some more, and she says she gets lost in a book and walks a lot. I am taking her advice and doing the same! I got lost in my book and walked for a few miles. Second, I am noticing repeatedly in the books that I read that people think things, but they don’t always say them. Or it takes them the whole book to tell someone how they really feel. Or it is too late, and they could have prevented things if they had said how they really feel. It can be so frustrating as a reader.

This was also inspired by my own marriage. Have you noticed how many times that you don’t tell your husband something, but that you want him to know anyway? Have you noticed this game that you play with your husband? Maybe you don’t. I am not trying to throw you under the bus if this is something that you don’t do. However, if you do play this game of, “Know what I want but I am not going to tell you, so you have to guess,” then I am going to call us out on this.

Examples of this that I have seen with myself and others:

Wanting him to take the garbage out but not asking. Let’s see if he notices.

Wanting him to step in with Lillie and handle her in the way that I want him to handle her. I’m not sure what I want so he needs to go figure it out and make me happy. I know how absurd this sounds. It’s therapeutic to write it as I will go work on this.

Wanting him to put his phone down and look at me.

Wanting him to drive.

Wanting him to wait for me.

Wanting him to clean something up so that I don’t have to.

Wanting him to come home from work.

Wanting him to handle dinner.

Wanting him to have a conversation with you.

Wanting him to know what you want in general without telling him.

Wanting him to surprise you with the perfect gift but you aren’t going to tell him what you want. Let’s see what he picks.

Wanting him to plan a special birthday for you but you have no clue what you want to do.

Wanting him to plan a vacation but having no clue where you want to go or what you want to do.

Not wanting him to leave but not telling him.

Wanting him to kiss you but waiting for him to do it.

I could go on and on and on with this list. I have noticed so much more with me, women in my life and women in my books.

So why don’t we say exactly what we want? Let’s come up with some reasons together:

You are afraid of being rejected.

You are afraid of them saying no.

You don’t think you deserve what you want.

You feel guilty spending money.

You don’t think they care.

You haven’t been taught to express yourself.

You haven’t gotten positive feedback when you have expressed yourself.

You didn’t see your parents express themselves.

Whatever the reason – I want you to have what you want. We are mature adults. Let’s not “play games” and let’s go after what we want.

Step one:

You need to know what you want. I know this sounds silly but sometimes I don’t know what I want. Where do I want to go for dinner? Where do I want to go for vacation? What do I want Seth to do to help me with our children? Important questions to ask yourself and figure out so that you can go after it.

Step two:

After you figure out what you want, I want you to tell your husband specifically what you want with a nice attitude. We don’t want to have an edge to our voice. We can have whatever we want (usually) if we ask nicely. Seth says that he is a computer. He computes my data exactly how I tell him. Seth wants me to be very specific and clear with my words.

Example:

Can you please help me with Lillie? Can you go tell her that she can go to the sleepover if she changes her attitude and comes down and apologizes and shows me that she is going to be kind to me.

Note: If I had known what I wanted and been specific with Seth then we would have prevented an argument that we had.

Step three:

Assess the situation. Did it work? Did you get what you want? Did your husband say no? Did he ignore you? What happened? I want you to evaluate it and figure out if it went well or if you need to tweak something for next time.

I also want us to reach for underneath what is going on. I had a fit that Seth was rushing off to Max’s football game without me. I get pissed when he rushes to sit in the stands and doesn’t care where I am. I can be fifty steps behind him, and he is off to the races to see the game. It makes me feel unimportant. I think my husband should walk with me into the game. I think that he should drive me to the game. There are a lot of times this can’t happen due to logistics with the other children. These are all things that Seth doesn’t know because I didn’t tell him. I would complain about him leaving me in the dust, but he didn’t understand how it was making me feel. Do I think that I shouldn’t have to tell him this? 100%! I think that Seth should know that he should wait for his wife and walk with his wife into the game. I want Seth to be chivalrous. Chivalry is not dead, and I am a woman. I want him to hold doors for me and offer to hold my packages. I am traditional and I am not ashamed of this. I told Seth that I wanted to be barefoot and pregnant, so he went into this marriage with his eyes wide open to who and what I am.

When I got this off my chest and explained this to Seth it made a world of difference. Go after what is underneath. How are you feeling? Tell your husband. Don’t make excuses about why you aren’t going to tell him. Join me in stopping the games and stopping the guessing and stopping the keeping things to ourselves. Let’s be open and honest and let’s have the relationship that we all desire. I hope you have that. If you don’t, I hope you will work on your marriage to get what you want!

I promise you one thing – if you leave things left unsaid you probably won’t get what you want!

Laughing, Learning, Loving,

Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R

P.S. I finished the book! It was so good, and I strongly recommend it! Here are some of my notes about marriage from the book After I do:

Say how you feel. Don’t wait for the other person. Keeping things inside makes us resentful. Not saying what we want or what we really think builds up resentment. Learn what you want so you can tell your partner what you want. Marriage takes energy. You have to put energy into your marriage. Never give up on your marriage. You won’t be happy every day in your marriage. That is unrealistic. Marriage is about commitment. Give your marriage everything you got!