Passover was approaching quickly. I looked at our April calendar and took a long deep breath. Normally during Passover, you do a Passover Seder (Passover dinner) the first two nights of the holiday. Passover is 8 days long. My daughter Lillie was in a musical and I was trying to figure out where we were going to fit in a Seder. The major musical week being the same week as Passover didn’t work well for me. You may be thinking religion comes first. Here’s what I decided to say to ease my stress:
“Let’s make holiday plans when they work for us.” If you can’t celebrate Easter on Easter, then find a date that works for everyone.
Everyone tells us to plan ahead to make things easier for us. I don’t disagree but I wasn’t ready to think about Passover. I had a list of stuff I needed to get through before I could wrap my mind around planning any sort of dinner. I am the type of person that sometimes has an order of priority of what I needed to get done that day.
Do I think we should have a plan? I do. That doesn’t mean I always listen to my own advice. I am going to guess my mom makes a menu and starts cooking days ahead of time.
I laugh at myself every holiday as I realize I forgot to buy things. My wonderful husband says to me on every holiday, “Let me know what I need to go grab for you at the store.” I gave him a list as I realized we were out of butter and oil! Laugh your way through the holiday.
I got up and instantly started cooking with my daughter Ella. I love that Ella and Seth were awake and ready and willing to help me. Max and Lillie were fast asleep as we plowed through the potatoes and matzah crack. Yes, matzah crack is a thing and it’s really delicious.
Tip Number 1 is to find a date that works for everyone, and it doesn’t have to be the date the holiday falls on.
Tip Number 2 is to enlist the help of your family. I didn’t need to do all the cooking and baking when Seth and Ella were more than willing to help out. Mothers continuously fall into this trap of thinking we need to do it all when our family is our team. Use your team. As we talk about our team:
Tip Number 3 is to ask everyone coming to bring something to help. Most family members and friends coming aren’t going to come over empty handed. Tell them what you need. Plan out your menu and delegate away!
I started cooking at 9 am and I sat down after cleaning at 9 pm. I don’t recommend this. I left everything until the day of and put in a 12 hour work day. Don’t be me!
Tip Number 4 is to start cooking and baking days before the holiday. The day before we celebrated, I was very busy with my daughter’s musicals and I didn’t have it in me to cook and bake. I could have planned better, and I recommend doing that.
Tip Number 5 is to remember the purpose of the holiday. The food is a bonus, but the goal of the holiday is to bring everyone together. The goal is to connect and have some traditions together. The food doesn’t need to be perfect. The holiday doesn’t need to be perfect. Just bring people together and make some memories!
Tip Number 6 is not to get held up by traditions needing to be a certain way. Seth ran the Seder beautifully. He doesn’t make it too long, and he makes sure to cover enough so that we feel like we’ve done a sufficient Seder. Things don’t need to take hours to be significant.
Tip number 7 is to learn from each holiday. I want to tell you that my husband and I have learned a lot from 19 years of holidays together. Seth knows that I am going to need him to run to the store. Seth knows that I am going to need him to set up an extra table and chairs. Seth knows to ask me what I need from him to be helpful. He doesn’t sit around for 12 hours and watch me work. He knows that we are a team and is willing to help through the holiday. I have learned to do my best to stay calm and cool. I have learned to ask him calmly to help me with things. I have learned to take it step by step and that it will all get done. We have learned a lot, and I am proud of us. Take a moment after holidays to evaluate how it went. What do you want to continue? What do you want to do better next time? I stayed calm most of the time. That is major progress. I snapped at Seth once and apologized for it. I get too tense and snippy. I need to accomplish all my tasks in a more relaxed manner. I’m self-aware and learning and that’s the goal. I am happy to admit my mistakes and do better the next time and Seth is the same way.
Tip number 8 and our last tip for today is to honor losses. Every holiday makes me think about my grandparents. Do something in their honor to acknowledge how you are feeling. I know that holidays bring stress and joy, and they also bring sadness. Two of my friends just lost their moms. Mother’s day is approaching. More on this next week in my next blog. I see you and none of you are alone. There are others that are feeling very sad about Mother’s Day.
I hope that we can navigate through the holidays with as little stress as possible. Get rid of any perfectionism and try to just enjoy the family and friend time together. I know how much we put on ourselves and if I can ease our stress at all, I would like to.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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