It is hard to believe that my son Max is turning 18 this Friday. I want to just take a moment here to celebrate Seth and I. We are feeling very successful in our parenting of Max. He is turning out to be a wonderful,
kind, smart, funny, good hearted, hard working human being. I feel successful today and I will feel even more successful when he is doing great as an adult working in our community. I hope to see him be successful in relationships, in work, and in his physical and mental health as an adult. I am going to stay present in today and I am going to celebrate that my first born is turning 18. He has taught me so much as all our children do. What are some lessons that I have learned from Max?
Be driven!
Max is extremely hard working. He spent the entire day yesterday preparing for his AP Calculus exam today. Unfortunately, his exam today was cancelled for a snow day. He really wanted to go to school this morning and tackle his exam. That is just one example of Max being driven. He has maintained a high 99 average for all of high school with really hard classes and has landed himself in the top of his class every year. He studied hard for the SAT’s and received a high score that has places contacting him to be a SAT tutor. He started the math club at school. He did his own science project doing research on genetic diseases. He wants to make a difference in the world of genetics. He asked for text books for his birthday. He likes to read but he isn’t reading fun fiction like me. He thinks it is fun to read research. Max has taught me that being driven brings success. I thought I was hard working but he is levels above me. He is taking five AP classes which brings me to my next lesson.
Don’t underestimate him!
Max asked me to sign off on his schedule online for his junior year of school. When I saw how he stacked his schedule so difficult I said no to his schedule and asked him to rework it. He asked me to let him give it a chance. He did awesome and told me I underestimated him. I asked him to give himself an easier senior year and he said no. He wanted to take five AP classes again. Do I want to see him doing hours and hours of homework? Not really. This is what Max wants, and he wants me to let him do his thing. I usually trust that Max can handle whatever comes his way whether it is applying for college or taking his driver’s test. However, I wanted to see him give himself an easier time at school. Easier is not always good and he has taught me that. Hours of work and being busy studying is something that Max wants in his life. Which leads me to my next lesson:
Keep learning to let go!
While I wanted to swoop in and change his schedule, Max asked me not to. I want to swoop in and tell Max what colleges to apply to and he knows what he wants. I will make a note here that I did push for more safe schools for college, and I did think that was necessary to push for. However, in general, I am learning to keep stepping back more and let him do his thing. As he shows me his success, I can learn to step back more. If your kid shows you that they need you through their actions, then you step in a little more. It’s a dance of learning about what your kids can handle and how much you can step away. You may be thinking about the sadness of stepping back, but I am going to give you an awesome reframe here: how amazing that you are raising your kid to be self sufficient. He asked Seth to help him with something with his car the other day, so he does ask for help. He still needs us for plenty of things like the financial forms for school.
Be Consistent!
My word of the year for myself is consistent. As I sit here reflecting on my word, I am wondering how much of this comes from Max. Max has shown me how important consistency is. He is consistent in working out almost every day. He is consistent in paying attention to what he eats most of the time. He is consistent in studying every day. I have learned that success comes from being consistent in your actions every day. He has shown me this.
When he’s ready!
This is a funny one that Max’s dad Seth pointed out to me. I totally agree with this. We have learned that we may want to talk to Max at 6:00 PM at dinner and Max doesn’t agree with us. Max may not be in the frame of mind to talk at that moment. However, at 11:30 PM at night as Seth and I are falling asleep, he may come in and want to talk. “Always be ready,” is how Seth describes this lesson. This has taught me patience and understanding. This has taught me that he will come to us when he’s ready for whatever it may be. Pushing doesn’t work. Sit back and relax and let him come to us. I will even say to Max, “I’m here when you are ready.”
Only have a few rules and repeat them often!
Seth and I don’t have a lot of rules for our kids. We have expectations such as you must do your homework every day and you need to study well for tests. We have rules like you need to be kind and respectful to people out in the community. These are a given. Enforcing rules like you can’t drive after 9 pm has not been easy. Thankfully on Friday we can relax with this. If you make your child take driver’s ed, you don’t have to wait until 18 for certain rules. Seth and I did not pick the battle of making Max take driver’s ed. We have a few rules, and we have to be consistent and enforce them regularly or Max will push the boundaries of whatever it is. Our advice to you and ourselves is: have few rules. Repeat them often. Be consistent and follow through with the few meaningful rules that you have. Pick your battles! Safety is a battle we tend to pick.
Just listen!
Seth and I will tell parents this advice a lot. Max wants to vent and talk. He doesn’t tend to want us to dive in and fix his problems. One of the best things we can do is listen and help them figure out what they think. What do they think they should do? I just read that as a therapist we should listen and help our clients to figure out what their gut is telling them. That is similar to parenting. We also teach them how to problem solve if we listen and ask questions rather than telling them what to do. We may know exactly what we want them to do in a situation, but we need to bite our tongue and listen. They will get there.
Be flexible – change is good!
Whether we are talking about switching sports, switching his college focus or adding a new hobby, Max has taught us to be flexible. He may change his mind. Changes are not a bad thing. All Max did was talk about MIT for most of his high school years. As Max did more research about colleges, he found other schools that he likes even better. I also realize that he may change his mind tomorrow and that is okay!
Be his supportive cheerleader!
When we asked Max what we have done right as parents – he told us we are his biggest cheerleaders. We are always there for him. We were at all of his soccer games, football games, and ceremonies. We are always in the audience rooting him on and we do that at home too. We are his supportive cheerleaders, and he really appreciates it. The more we cheer him on the higher he climbs. Who knew that being a high school cheerleader was going to serve me so well as a parent!
Max has taught me so many things!
Be persistent and consistent! Hard work pays off. He has shown me the results!
Don’t underestimate Max, myself or my other two kids either!
Keep learning to let go!
When he’s ready he will talk. This goes for most people!
Pick your battles and have a few important rules that we repeat often and enforce.
Be a good listener and be flexible! Go with the flow and the changes of my children!
Be supportive and a big cheerleader to Max and our other kids. Seth has told me that is what he needs from me too. Like father like son.
I will keep learning from Max. I will keep watching him learn, grow and soar. I can’t wait to cheerlead for him in his next phase of life. I am very excited to see what Max does in this world. He has great ideas, and I truly believe he will be making a difference. I told him that G-d gave him his amazing brain to go do something with it!
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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