What a week. Ella was trying out for the school musical and Lillie was trying out for JV school cheerleading. Every time my girls came home from school, they would tell me more girls that were also trying out. The list grew and grew along with the competition.
Let’s start with Ella. Ella has been doing musical theater for 10 years. When Ella gets the opportunity to be on stage, she slam dunks it. She lights up that stage with her talent and charisma. It brings me so much joy to see her on stage doing something she loves every time she gets to perform. It doesn’t matter how talented you are – the competition is steep.
What is the musical this year?
Is there a role that she fits into?
Is she the best person for that roll?
I wouldn’t want to have to make that decision because they had a plethora of talented kids to choose from.
Nothing like having Ella and Lillie trying out on the same Monday. I was just a little (a lot) stressed that day.
Let’s move onto Lillie. The thing about sports now is that it’s very hard to just decide that you want to be a cheerleader. Back when I tried out to cheer, I had a gymnastics and dance background, but I had no cheer experience. I am so thankful that Lillie has been doing Williamsville Junior Competitive cheer so that she had experience and skills behind her to go try out. It doesn’t matter that she made the football cheer team. There were a lot more girls trying out for basketball season. “Go show them your stuff,” I exclaimed as she walked into the high school for tryouts.
It’s gotten so competitive that my friend’s son who has played baseball forever did not make the school baseball team. It’s interesting to me that the school talks about inclusivity so much and then cuts kids from a team that they want to be a part of. I could go on and on about this but let’s talk about how we can help ourselves and our children cope with this.
Don’t put all your eggs in one basket! We need our kids to be involved in multiple things and to have lots of interests. We also need them to be open to trying new things. I loved that Lillie’s friends didn’t make the volleyball team, so they joined the field hockey team and tried something new. Kudos to them! If your kids don’t make a team, help them get involved in something else. We want them involved. This gives them good experiences and prosocial relationships.
Praise your kids for the effort they put into things vs. the outcome. I have had so many conversations with my girls about this. I watched Ella do a ton of rehearsing in our home to get ready for her auditions. I watched Lillie practicing her cheers. I see Lillie going over her routines. I hear Ella singing and working on her songs. Their effort, hard work, perseverance and determination means more than the outcome. We know the outcome that they want, but they are learning tremendous skills in the process. Remind them that trying their best is what matters. Praise their bravery for showing up and giving it their all. Regardless of the outcome, emphasize the importance of effort and growth. This will help them develop resilience and a healthy mindset.
Set Realistic Expectations. Help your child understand that not everyone can make the team or get the role, and that’s okay. Encourage them to focus on doing their personal best instead of comparing themselves to others. I balance with this because I don’t want them to think that I doubt their talent – and I know how stiff the competition is.
Be their cheerleader, not their coach. It’s tempting to jump in with advice or feedback, but often what kids need most from their parents is unconditional encouragement. Save the critiques for their actual coaches, directors, or teachers. This is a little more challenging for Seth and I. Seth majored in acting in college and I was a cheerleader. Ella wants feedback from Seth. I try to stay her cheerleader, but she also wants me to be honest. With Lillie I focus on being her cheerleader but I also give my honest feedback in as supportive a way as I can. They have coaches and directors to really critique them.
Normalize nerves. Let them know it’s okay to feel nervous. It’s just a sign that they care about what they’re doing. Share a story of a time you were nervous before something important and how you pushed through it. We have a term that we use in my house that is “nervexcited.” It’s putting nervous and excited together. It helps a lot because it reminds us that we are excited. Teach them how to handle their nerves! Teach them simple techniques like deep breathing or visualization to calm their nerves before the big moment.
Be their calm anchor. If we’re visibly anxious, it can amplify their stress. Take a deep breath and try to stay positive and grounded for them. If we regulate ourselves, it helps them to regulate too. Your child will pick up on your energy, so do your best to stay calm and positive, even if you’re feeling anxious. Trust the process and remind yourself that this is just one step in their journey.
Keep Perspective in Check. Remind yourself and your child that tryouts or auditions are just one moment in time. Whether they make the team or land the role doesn’t define their worth or potential. What matters is the effort they put in and the lessons they learn. (So much easier to say than do.)
Reframe Rejection as Redirection. This tip comes from my son Max. Max has applied to a bunch of colleges and has a couple of top choices. I asked him how he will feel if he doesn’t get into one of his top schools? He told me that rejection is just redirection. He told me that means he is a better fit for a different school. What a healthy attitude. If they aren’t meant to be on a certain team, hopefully they can find a new direction. You can always talk to teachers at school to get suggestions.
Celebrate Every Step. Whether they make the team, get the role, or simply take the leap to try, celebrate their courage. Show them how proud you are of their effort and growth. Tryouts and auditions are just one chapter in their journey, and every step is worth celebrating.
Parenting through these moments is a challenge, but it’s also a privilege to watch our kids chase their dreams, face their fears, and grow into themselves. The next time you’re nervously clutching your coffee at the edge of a gym, auditorium, or studio, remind yourself that you’re raising a brave, resilient kid. This is what matters most.
Here’s to cheering them on every step of the way!
It’s not an easy journey but it’s a privilege to be on it with them.
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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