From Seth Greene, Rebecca’s husband:
Ever noticed how men and women resolve conflicts differently? It’s like watching two different sports. Men treat conflict resolution like hockey; a quick fight, maybe a few penalties, and then it’s back to the game. Women, on the other hand, treat it like a season of a dramatic TV series – it’s got episodes, cliffhangers, and enough plot twists to keep you guessing what’s coming next.
Let’s start with the guys. When men have a conflict, it’s a straightforward process. They have it out, sometimes it’s loud, sometimes there’s a lot of arm waving, and occasionally, a remote might get sacrificed. But give them a few minutes, maybe a couple of hours, and they’re back to hanging out like nothing happened. It’s as if their argument is just a commercial break in the long TV show of their friendship.
Now, women? That’s a whole different ball game. First, there’s the initial confrontation – voices raised, problems aired. But just when you think it’s all out on the table, phase two kicks in: the silent treatment. This is where men usually get confused. Silence from a woman isn’t peace; it’s her just plotting the next move in this chess game of feelings.
During the silent phase, guys might think the storm has passed. Oh no, we’re just in the eye of the hurricane. Because next comes the multi-episode saga where everything you’ve ever done wrong gets brought back up. Anything else that happened since then that she might have been even a little bit annoyed about comes out? Did you not drive fast enough? When she told you to hurry up, did you then take the turns too fast and make her car sick? Did you mow the lawn while it was wet because she complained the grass was getting too long and now the wet clippings are sticking to sneakers and getting in the house? Oh, you better believe that’s coming up in season two of this argument.
And just when you think you’ve seen all the episodes, just when you think the season finale has aired with some sort of resolution – bam! Reruns. The argument that you thought was resolved comes back up, because maybe you didn’t really understand the moral of the story the first four times it was explained.
Men, when you think the conflict is over, that’s just the plot twist. Women have layers to their conflict resolution; it’s like peeling an onion – there are tears involved, and just when you think you’re done, there’s another layer.
So, what’s the take-home message here? For the guys, don’t assume the conflict is over just because you’ve stopped talking about it. And for the ladies, maybe cut down on the reruns; just because you are still having feelings doesn’t mean that repeating yourself for the fifth time is going to make a difference.
In the end, both men and women could learn a little from each other when it comes to resolving conflicts. Imagine a world where conflicts are like a sports game with a clear end, but also with enough time to discuss the highlights and the fouls afterwards. Maybe throw in a halftime show to lighten the mood. Wouldn’t that be something?
So next time you find yourself in a conflict, ask yourself: Are you in a hockey game, or are you about to start season one of a multi-season drama? Choose wisely, because the remote can only take so much.
Rebecca’s take on this:
I need to start by saying that I absolutely love that my husband wrote this for so many reasons. First, he made me understand where he is coming from better. Now that I have calmed down, it also gives me a glimpse into how I am coming across in a conflict with my husband. Also, I absolutely love that he makes me laugh. This is hysterical and also very true. I am not going to generalize and say that every man and woman are fighting like this in their home. However, I can tell you that he did an excellent job identifying our pattern. The first step to changing any behavior is first identifying what exactly is going on.
When I get upset with Seth, sometimes my volume is too intense and passionate for him. I have passionate parents that I grew up with. Seth grew up with a librarian and an editor. Their house was much quieter. I understand why my passion can be too much for him. He likes my passion when it comes in the form of happy emotions!
I try to take deep breaths and calm myself down. Sometimes the things that he does just simply floor me, and this was one of those times. Men!
I love my husband dearly. Sometimes I do not agree with the actions that he takes. Sometimes I wonder why on earth he did not talk to me first before he decided to do something because I would have said, “Hell no, you are not doing that.” I also realize in this that we both make mistakes.
After I expressed my opinion about not being happy with Seth, my feelings then tend to bubble over inside of me. For the following hours, I rehearsed in my head all the things that I was thinking and wanted to say to him. My emotions become so much that I don’t even know what to say. I don’t know where to start.
At this point in time, what can I do:
I can tell Seth that my emotions are too much for me and I don’t know what to say to him. I can say that after I process my feelings I will sit down and discuss with him how we will solve this conflict in a way that makes us both happy. At this point in time Seth thinks that I’ve already expressed myself and doesn’t realize that I have SO much more to say to him.
I can start writing. If I get my feelings out onto paper, maybe I will be able to process and communicate better and more quickly. I can also write it out and give it to Seth so that he can see exactly how I am feeling and hear it better calmly on paper.
Seth talks about reruns. He doesn’t like it when I repeat myself. However, I have explained to him that me repeating myself is me processing and trying to get over it. Maybe I need to do this part by myself or with a friend and not with him?
The only thing that Seth did wrong in this argument was dismiss my feelings a little. Here’s the thing, a friend of mine collapsed and died recently. It is a shock to so many, including her husband and kids. I think Seth was thinking – how could you possibly be this upset in a time like this. He was trying to get me to get some perspective which I did many hours later when I was feeling calmer.
What did Seth do right:
I told you I didn’t like that he dismissed my feelings at first. I think he was floored that I was so upset with him. But he did do a lot right:
He felt bad and I could tell that he never wants to upset me.
He learned from this and hopefully can prevent future conflicts.
He apologized many times.
He wrote me an apology which made me realize that he really got it.
To Seth:
I’m sorry I shut down.
I’m sorry I get quiet (sad, overwhelmed with feelings).
I will work on my coping skills so that I come around quicker.
I want you all to know that conflict is a part of marriage. The trick is to learn to resolve conflicts together. We are human beings who will make mistakes. When we make mistakes, let’s identify them, take accountability, apologize and figure out (as calmly as possible) how to resolve it. If you are like me, take some time to calm down before you attempt to resolve it. The goal is healthy conflict resolution skills.
Negative conflict resolution:
Name calling, yelling, stonewalling, blaming others, being defensive, overgeneralizing, avoiding, interrupting…..
Positive conflict resolution:
Listening, empathizing, staying on topic, sharing, taking responsibility for your part, evaluating, apologizing, sharing, being open….
Emotions can get the best of us. I hope you laughed with us and can learn something from us to have better conflict resolution in your life.
I will continue to laugh, learn and love,
Laughing, Learning, Loving,
Rebecca Greene, LCSW-R
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