I Can’t Help Myself

I just can’t seem to help myself. You have an issue. How can I help? You’ve been wronged! Tell me, I can help. You need information. What information? I can get it for you. You can’t find a phone number. I saved my directories; I can find it for you. The list is endless. If I see an injustice or see someone needs help it’s like I think I need to put my Whinypaluza cape on and go help save someone. When will I learn?

I have been a social worker since I can remember. Even when I was younger. My friends would be having a fight, and I would insert myself and help them work it out. I never wanted anyone to have a conflict. I never wanted anyone to be upset. I always jumped to help whoever I could help. I always say that I was born to be a mom. Maybe it’s the mom in me, or the social worker in me, but I always want to be of assistance in any way that I can.

The good news is, I am much more tired than I was ten years ago. Ten years ago, I could go from 6 am to 10 pm no problem. Now it is currently 6:30 pm and I could probably go to bed right now. Maybe I will slow down a little. Maybe I will help a little less.

There is a family in my neighborhood who moved away. I knew this was going to be an issue because they had so many cats. I can’t even tell you how many cats they had. I don’t know when they moved. I don’t know how many cats they had. I don’t know how many cats they took with them. I don’t know how many cats they left behind. I know there is one cat that I keep seeing. At first, I kept telling him to go home. Then my next-door neighbor told me that he didn’t have a home. Now every time I see him, I give him food. I tried to find him a home. Now my other neighbor and I are looking into taking him to a rescue. I just can’t help myself. I hope I don’t find more cats that they left behind.

If there is a conflict in our family or among our friends, I want to get right in there to help and figure out what the issue is. If someone tells me that they are having a problem with someone I want to talk it out and help them. I even tend to offer to mediate between the two people. I just can’t seem to help myself!

If there is a birthday: What present are we buying? What dessert do we need? Where are we celebrating?

If there is an event to be planned: Do we need a DJ? Food? Volunteers? Decorations? I can plan this.

A teacher needing some information – I’ll get it.

A parent trying to find another parent – I bet I have that phone number, hold on I’ll get it for you.

I found out my friend’s boyfriend was cheating on her. Of course, I had to tell her. She was so upset with me. I can’t seem to help myself. I insert myself and think I have to help.

A bunch of parents are upset about whatever the issue may be – what can I do? How can I help? I’m ready!

Lillie is weepy at the table because she is so tired and has so much homework. How can I help? I jump in to see what she’s doing and how I can help her.

Maybe this is because I’m the oldest child.

Maybe this is because I’m a mom at heart.

Maybe this is because I’m a social worker.

I’m not quite sure where this all stems from, but I know that it can be an issue. It doesn’t always work out well and I’m trying hard to learn from this.

I think it’s wonderful to want to help but it has pluses and minuses. Sometimes it works out well and I’m so happy that I helped. Sometimes it doesn’t work out so well. Sometimes I upset someone in the process when I didn’t mean to. My intentions are always good. That doesn’t mean the outcome is always good.

Do I know how to keep my mouth shut? I am working on this.

Do I think I always have to help? I am working on this.

Do I think that every animal and human being needs my assistance? I am working on this.

Do I think I need to answer the phone instead of going to sleep? I am working on this.

Do I think I need to help my children with everything? I don’t! Progress!

I am really good at making more work for myself. I am really good at putting myself in the middle. I am really good at helping. I am really good at volunteering. Maybe I can get better at boundaries for myself. Maybe once in a while I can sit on my hands or put blinders on.

How do we stop?

Try not to overextend yourself. Volunteer for one or two things not ten things.
Avoid putting yourself in the middle of things. Have the two people work it out themselves.
Make sure you aren’t taking care of everyone except yourself. You come first.
Offer support that you are comfortable with. Don’t overextend yourself.
Set boundaries and limits. I have two hours to give to you and then I have to get my work done.
Remember that it’s not your issue. You also have your own issues to deal with.
Don’t help everyone else and avoid helping yourself. Easier to help others. Don’t forget about yourself.
Have realistic expectations for yourself about how much can you actually do.
You can also have a wonderful husband like mine who has no problem saying no. He will say no for me any time. We need to be able to say no ourselves. He teaches me a lot. He shows me how he sets boundaries for himself and how he takes care of himself. We need people to teach us.

I hope that we will all continue to help others. However, I hope that we will take care of ourselves and learn that we don’t always have to do it all!

Laughing, Learning, Loving,