Staring At Me

When Lillie started kindergarten, I started thinking about going back to work. I wanted to do something part time that I could do during the day while my kids were at school. I would go to bed thinking about. I would day dream about it. Did I picture myself working in a school? Did I picture myself with my own practice? What would I enjoy the most? I would get so frustrated with myself saying, “Just do something. It doesn’t have to be the right decision. You just need to make some sort of decision.” I would find myself wrapped up in PTA work. I would begin planning a Girl Scout meeting. I would attack a pile of endless laundry. I was never bored and yet work was always in the back of my mind. Volunteering was wonderful and fulfilling, but I wasn’t contributing financially to my family.

I sat down to write a blog post about my Uncle. I spent over two hours writing and got completely lost in it. I poured all my feelings and emotions into my blog. I wrote and wrote and found myself starting to feel better. Writing has become my greatest coping strategy. When I looked at the clock and saw that I had been writing for over two hours I had an epiphany. It had been staring at me in the face for six years. I should be writing. It’s one of my favorite things to do and hopefully I was helping people. If my blogs help just one person then it is worth it to me. Forget everyone else for a minute, my blogs were helping me.

I woke up today feeling completely overwhelmed. It’s Sunday and the lists were feeling endless today. I attacked several loads of laundry, folded and put away many, began to pack for our trip, and accomplished a huge grocery shopping trip with two children. The girls wanted to come pick out stuff for their lunches. As cute as that is, it took me longer and we spent a lot more money! I also had a two hour phone conversation with the other PTA President and we went through a huge list together. The next two months is PTA madness! The good news is that everything always gets done. When I woke up startled with a list in my head today my first thought was to start this blog. I am writing it 12 hours after I had planned, but it is still getting done! When I am stressed one of the first thing’s I think of is, “How can I write this?”

So here I sit, feeling good about what I accomplished today. I didn’t do anything fun with my kids today. I didn’t get them to Hebrew School. When Max, Lillie and Seth were all asleep at 9 am I decided that we needed and deserved a relaxing Sunday morning. Trying to get them somewhere by 9 am 7 days a week can be very taxing. I am making progress. I am going to focus on what I did do today vs. what I didn’t do. I am going to be easier on myself. I am going to expect less of myself. I noticed today that Seth doesn’t tend to expect anything of me. I asked him today why he is so easy on me? “You do so much every day that I never want to give you more to do.” It is statements like that that make me love him even more. I had a productive day, I have a good husband, I am excited for our trip, and I realize that writing is one of my callings. I am here to help people with their feelings, but I am also here to pour my feelings out onto paper. Go try venting to paper and see how you feel.